Chett Ryan

Going into the appointment on Friday, we never even thought we'd be getting bad news. We had just got done talking about the future the day before and the sizes in clothes Hayden needed to buy for Chett after he left. In my notes I had "0-3 long sleeve, pants. 3-6 short sleeves" so Hayden wouldn't be confused, but then our doctor walked in. My original OB was busy that day so we got to see a new one, she was so helpful and nice. She spent the first 10 minutes answering our questions and making sure we understood the genetics testing, he was low risk, so <1/10,000 for all Trisomies and and Monosomes.

She finally asked "So, y'all ready to see baby boy?". To get better, more clear pictures she did a transvaginal ultrasound, and I could tell she was having a hard time finding him but we could see him to the side so I didn't think anything of it. I was also pretty sure just day ago I had felt flutters, so of course he was okay. Once she measured him though, it said 7 weeks and some days so I knew something wasn't right. She moved around to measure again and he was 8 weeks something, but the day of the appointment I was 12 weeks 5 days, so that still wasn't good. She then said "Ya guys, I can't find a heartbeat but I always get someone else to look so let me go grab your regular OB." I was bawling at this point because I'm trying to stay positive but we've been through this before, we knew we lost him. And we knew how bad I needed Chett. They both came back in, and this time I had an abdominal ultrasound done. I'm not sure how long she searched for a heartbeat, but the entire time I was just begging God to let this baby boy live, let her find a heartbeat, and him just be measuring behind. Promising everything I could just to be able to keep Chett.

He ended up measuring 9 weeks, almost 4 weeks behind.. he had already been gone for some time they said. And there's no explanation as to why. With Cohen, I blamed myself, it was easy to. But a month ago, I was told I didn't lose him to a placenta abruption. It was either because my cervix was too weak, or because I went into preterm labor. So I know I couldn't have stopped it, over a year later, I knew it wasn't my fault. But this time, I know it's me. I cant keep any of my babies safe. Did I not drink enough water? Did I not eat enough food that had the nutrients he needed? It's something I did.

Now for the actual miscarriage. They gave me three options, but I didn't let them finish explaining. I chose to try and do it the natural way, as painful and hard as it's going to be, it's the only way I have a chance at seeing Chett without hurting him. I remember what contractions felt like and i'm beyond scared to feel that type of pain again. I have two weeks to try it naturally, but if my body still hasn't by then, I'll have to do it another way. After that happens, my doctor's supposed to talk to me about the possibilities of why it happened, and decide if I should see a specialist. For possibly two weeks, knowingly, I have to carry around my dead baby; and that's going to take a toll on my body, and permanently a toll on me mentally.

Me and Hayden have had major downs throughout this pregnancy, even arguing the day of the appointment, but he held me, he was there for me, he cried with me, he made me a promise that means so much to me, the only reason I think I'm able to get through this. Because believe me I'm ready to throw in the towel. I was able to use the loss of Cohen as a positive thing; he turned me into a better person. I used his story to help others, I realized how strong I was, I met my closest friends because of him, I wasn't so much angry with him, just heartbroken and confused. But with Chett, I'm mad! From losing Cohen, to having a miscarriage a few months after, to getting pregnant with Chett and now losing him, still not being able to see any of my babies everyday, or raise them, I'm furious. This is the one thing I want to be in life, to be a mom. An Earth mom who gets to watch her kids grow up, not where I have to daydream 24/7 about what they're doing or what they look like. I think i'm so angry this time because I won't know if Chett had Hayden's nose, or what color his hair would be. I'm never going to get to meet him. After having a stillborn, I'm not sure what happens to the babies like Chett, I just have to believe that he's with Cohen, I have to believe that Cohen needed Chett with him.

Right after Cohen, I knew I wanted to try for another, not to replace him, but because of the family I craved. And it's the same with Chett, it's definitely different with the circumstances, but I know it's what I want. Until I start thinking, because this broke me, I have no motivation to go to school, or work, or to put on a fake smile, I'm not sure if I can go through another pregnancy where in the end, I STILL don't get my baby.

I'm not sure how others feel while being pregnant, but it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I wake up happy just because I know I'm creating this human inside me, and already have so much love for it, and get to spend everyday with them. Without even knowing it, I go to hold my non existent belly just so I can feel like I'm holding them. I never feel alone, even when I am. And no matter how bad my days are, or how hard the pregnancy is, I know it's all worth it.

It's been over a year, and I still can't tell people about Cohen without breaking down. I say in my head, 'We lost our baby boy' about Chett and break down. I have been dealt the shittiest hand of cards lately, and I've stayed positive through it all. The past year, it's just one thing after another, after another. And recently at a therapy appointment I had, I learned one thing about myself; that I'm scared every single day, of the next bad thing that's going to happen, and things like this are exactly why. I never used to be this way, I used to happy and full of life and I wish so badly I could go back to those days.

I have to force myself this time to be positive, to find at least one reason it's okay for God to do this. I'm back at square one of being envious of every single person that's pregnant, and I hate feeling that way. One thing I'm glad I did this pregnancy, is document everything. Whether I was "big" because I was bloated or not, I still took plenty of pictures, I took videos, documented the gender reveal, I'll always remember my Chetty boy. With Cohen, I did a memory wall, and I plan on either doing the same for Chett or doing a small garden for him.