One Year Without My Angel

A couple of months after Cohen was born I wrote about his story and it really helped me grieve so throughout his first year I've continued to write.

I know I won't ever get to see him again or have him in my arms, but at the same time I feel like I'm in denial because at times I find myself hoping that everything's going to turn out how it should, and then I snap back into reality. This year, I went to a place I thought I'd never go, but Cohen has helped me become such a strong person and I was able to overcome that. He is the reason I am who I am. I needed him more than he needed me and I couldn't imagine where I'd be in life if I never got the chance to be his mom.

I've experienced a lot of firsts this past year, and although the kind of mom I am isn't the same as most, I've made sure to make everything as perfect and memorable as I can. These will always be Cohen's "firsts" and I know years from now I'll look back on these moments. And even though his looks won't change, his scenery will, which is why documenting his grave is so important, it's him getting older in a sense.

I have tried to make every holiday as exciting and special as it would be if he was here with us. Personally, it helps me get through the holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all of them, I go out to his grave and decorate and during that time I'm more at peace than I am anywhere else. I talk to him and play music that goes along with that holiday; it's something I look forward to doing, each time.

After about 8 months, I was able to look at babies and smile. I was able to see pregnancy announcements without feeling jealous, or angry at God. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so why am I getting angry that others who may have prayed for their little one, were getting blessed? I pray a little extra when I see someone announce they're expecting; whether I know them or not. I'm trying to be in my friends' lives who are soon to be moms because I know our kids would've grown up together. After some time, I was able to believe what I had always told myself; "everything happens for a reason". And I know that sounds harsh but that's how I see it. I don't know why God chose this to be the motherhood I enroll, but I have to believe that Cohen skipped all the hate and bad in this world for a reason! He went without every being hungry, hurt, cold or alone.

I've met some amazing mom's who unfortunately have gone through the same thing. About 10 months after he was born a group of about 20 (now 40) others who had gone through the same or similar thing, now had someone to talk to. And let me tell you, it's nice to be able to talk to your family about it, or the person you went through it with, but to be able to talk to other moms who know exactly what it feels like is somehow more easy. They have become my best friends and I know I can always go to them when I'm having a hard day.

A couple weeks after we had all started to get to know each other, we all decided we wanted to help other bereaved parents somehow. So hopefully before this year is up, we'll have our own project out in the world to help others like us.

I thought over time I'd quit putting the blame on myself, and it has gotten easier, but I know what I put my body through. I know if certain things were done differently none of this would've happened. If I had even thought for a second that this was a possibility I know I could've stopped it from happening. It just wasn't in His timing.

I would go through all the pain and emotions again to relive that day and redo so many things.. Instead of just staring at him I would talk to him. I'd take him on a walk down the halls or outside. I'd stay up that night and hold him because he's more important than sleep. I'd turn around once we got outside to the truck because I wasn't ready to leave him yet. I wish we would've brought him home with us; I don't know if that's even possible but just to have him at home with us as a family for one night; for me to put him in his crib one time.

I don't care how raw this sounds, many times I think about how I just want to go out to his grave and dig 6 feet deep so I can hold him, tell him how sorry I am, and spend the day with him. To go somewhere for a walk and push him around in his stroller, to let him meet more family members and for Coal to sniff his new little brother.

As everyone does, I have my signs when I feel him around me the most. The very first one I noticed was rain. I read something the day of or before his funeral that said when it rains the day of the funeral that person will go to heaven, and it did. Of course I knew he would, but for every important event to this day it has rained. Cardinals are also something else that always remind me of him, and they show up at the most perfect time. Also, not too long ago, I read somewhere that when the sky is breathtakingly beautiful, all the tiny angels up there helped paint it. I definitely stop and admire the artwork my son gets to paint.

Since shortly after we lost Cohen, I had been wanting something his size, because he was so small, and because I'd forgotten what an 11.5 oz baby feels like to hold. Luckily one of my angel mom friends from the group message sent me a link to @Crochetcutiepies. She makes custom dolls with the same weight, height, foot size, and head size to match your baby. I was fortunate enough to get one of the last spots, and received close to a week before his birthday. The first time I held it, I almost cried. It's heavier than I remembering him being, but in every way, perfect! It's something I will treasure forever!

Besides writing, helping others who have gone though the same situation helps me. I feel as if I'm putting Cohen's name out there and doing my part as a mom. For his first birthday, I decided to do a few stillborn boxes similar to the ones I received to donate to the hospital. I included things to help the parents grieve and also some things to remind them of their precious angel.

Just last weekend, the weekend before his birthday, I got to meet some of the angel moms I talked about earlier in Addison at a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep walk. They truly have become some my best friends and I'm so glad we got to get together for an event honoring all our babies. The first night of meeting we were able to cry about our babies but also have fun and laugh like we had known each other for years. We met and got together because of our babies. Our babies brought us together and I know they are so proud of us.

Today, is the day I've been looking forward to and dreading all at the same time. I am so excited to celebrate my son's first birthday but I wish so badly I got to see him sit in his high chair instead of his doll. This past year has feen filled with many emotions but thanks to the people I have in my life and having my son watch over me, I've been able to get through it. Today is all about my perfect angel. Happy Heavenly Birthday Cohen Ray! I love you to the stars!